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    D - I have always said that when YOU earn another rank of adulthood when YOU have to make the choice to put a pet down. In younger days, it...

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29

Watching and Waiting…

01 Nov 2010

So, here’s the deal:  I’ve been a wreck of myself for over 18 months and I’ve grown very tired and slow and I’m sick of it.  The majority of you reading this post know that back in April of ’09, a 78 year old man—whose family should have taken the keys from him a long time ago—disregarded all common sense and laws/rules-of-the-road when he plunged his truck out of a parking lot and into traffic.  More specifically, he plunged directly in the path of my small convertible—top down.

I remember seeing him and thinking, “he’s going to hit me.  That guy is going to plow into me.”  I don’t remember much after that because as soon as we collided I was gone; the force knocked me out.

Laurie told me later that a bunch of people jumped out of their cars and ran to the scene; she was driving directly behind me and was at first in shock, thinking I may be dead.  One person was shouting a prayer, “Jesus.  Jesus, save him.” Or something to that effect.  Police, firefighters and paramedics all arrived.  According to Laurie they revived me only to watch me pass out again as they placed me on the gurney.  She was surprised at how many people knew it was “Ankarlo” behind the wheel.

I was rushed to the hospital and tests were conducted.  I passed them and was sent home.   Though I had a good headache going I returned to the air at KTAR-FM within a few days.  Shortly after that the brain started malfunctioning.  Done.  Finished.  I do remember my program director, Russ Hill—a very good friend of mine, coming into my studio during the show (something rarely ever done) with a broken-hearted look on his face.  He then informed me that he was going to have to take me off the air.  I was shocked and confused and thought, “What’s going on?”  To this day I don’t really remember what he said, just the sad and distraught way he said it.  He had headhunted me from Dallas, I was his guy and now I was in trouble.

That was the beginning of numerous doctors, tests, therapy sessions, more doctors and more therapy sessions—hours and hours per week and a mind that was slipping into unknown territory.

A guarded secret, held carefully by my direct family and those in-the-know at the radio station was the fact that I had been damaged in my cognitive reasoning, had lost the ability to self-censor, couldn’t walk without the help of people and/or a cane and my speech was slurred to the point where the few in contact with me couldn’t understand me.  On top of this, my eyes couldn’t focus, my ears had an unbelievable ringing, I had ongoing headaches and my memory was in trouble.  Big trouble

I’m a “get ‘er done” kind of guy; a true Type A.  That’s probably why I was able to rise through the ranks in record time.  I knew who I was, what I wanted to accomplish and how to push for radio management to move where things needed to go.  As a result, I have been a ratings leader almost everywhere I’ve been, have won almost every conceivable award for my work and creativity and have been approached to work by the best stations in the world.  Now it was all gone.  I couldn’t even get into the therapist’s offices without stumbling and falling.  All because the family of an old man didn’t take his keys away.

I pushed hard with the doctors, therapists and neurological experts because I wanted to return to the air.  I practiced over and over to get my speech pattern back and to have the energy to do a show and finally convinced everyone I was better.  I then did a few “fill in” shows at stations in other markets and ultimately returned to my popular radio show.  Within weeks I was done.  The clock just stopped ticking.

What followed were a lot more therapy and doctors and countless hours of rehab at home.  Slowly the depression set in—which caused me to contemplate suicide often.  Indeed, during a weak moment I took my loaded 9mm Glock and rubbed it against my face knowing that in an instant I could stop the pain, depression, anger, and other issues.  But God intervened.  In that moment of weakness and self-loathing I knew that a bullet to the brain meant a terrible legacy for my family—one they would never forget or forgive, listeners from around the world deeply confused—and an instant reckoning with God.  I didn’t like where my mind—my very damaged mind–was taking me and sought extra help.

There’s so much more to be said but you get the gist of the story. Something else has come of this.  I am a man who lives and loves to speak to the masses.  My family is quite certain I was born with a certain gift of crazy fun on one hand and a very serious commentator on world events on the other.  I was created to do what I do!  But, is it time to look for another way to do it?

As the months have ticked on I have  been bathed in every emotion imaginable though frustration and anger have often risen to the top.  When I read a news story or catch a report on the television or radio I have had to turn to something else; the pain and anger is just too much.  My thoughts wrap themselves around me, “I should be up and running again.  I should be covering these events.  I have to share my heart and mind with the world!”

And, very quietly—less than a whisper—God Almighty has told me to be quiet and wait.  Oh, man, I’m not good at either and here is God saying, “Be quiet and wait.”  And that’s what I’ve done.  As I have worked to get my brain back to pre-accident levels I have meditated on His thoughts, desires and plans for the remainder of my life and only He knows that time frame.

Wait.  Wait.  Wait.

Most certainly many of you are where I am—in your own way.  You’ve lost your job.  Foreclosure took the house and bankruptcy took everything else and you feel abandoned.  Well, you are not.  If you know God—really know Him then you know how important you are to Him.  I’ve been learning that the hard and slow way—but I’ve been learning it none-the-less.

Here’s what’s been happening to me:  I’ve been re-thinking my direction.  I’ve analyzed a 32 year career that has put me in 15 houses and seven major cities.  Is this what He still wants of me or is there more?  Is there something else?  I’ve spent hours in my mind—when it will focus—thinking about direction and plans and how to implement things that will take me to the next level—whatever that may be.

One great scripture from the Old Testament reoccurs in my mind often:  Isaiah 40:31, “But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.”

In my mind, that’s a birthday passage.  You’ve been so beaten and so shattered that life doesn’t make sense and peace is nowhere to be found and, in your heart, you have died. For you, you’re quite certain, all is lost.  But it’s when we’re at our most vulnerable–when we have finally tossed in the towel–that God gives us a re-birth of sorts.  You’ve  waited and listened and God has quietly spoken.  He has given you a map for today and the future and just like an eagle who soars above most storm clouds—the eagle who spreads his wings certain of invincibility—God has the same for us.

Normally I don’t go this deeply into my Faith but felt you needed to hear of my sorrow to success story.  No, I don’t know what’s next—but I’m certain God has a clue.  I still have major headaches and the memory is something I work on daily and in an effort to become completely whole I will have major back surgery on Monday November 1st and will spend time in the hospital and in recovery.

As with any surgery and anesthesia there is always the chance that something terribly wrong could happen and these would be my last words to you.  I doubt it, but it could happen.  After all, who am I to tell God what He can and cannot do?

If these are my final words the simple lesson is:  pain comes to us all.  Life, as we describe it, is not always fair.  Wait on God and He will provide the peace and the understanding you desire.  That’s what I’m counting on—no matter where my path leads!

So for now I’ll sign off, as I have with radio shows for decades, “If we shouldn’t meet here; let’s meet there.”  Adios.

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Comments

November 1, 2010 5:33 am Reply

Fabulous and inspiring Darrell. God’s speed with your recovery from surgery and keep one foot in front of the other. You’re an important part of life for many people.

November 1, 2010 5:42 am Reply

As always praying for you and your famly. Hope to hear you on the air verry soon. Take care may GOD bless you and yours.

November 1, 2010 6:15 am Reply

What an emotionally draining letter, for all of us I am sure. God Will take care of you Darrell. I will be praying for you today and thinking positive things for your recovery as I have done since the crash. Amazing how many things can change in an instant.
You have come into to so many peoples hearts I just believe God will help you continue.
God bless you and your family.

November 1, 2010 6:34 am Reply

Thank you for sharing these thoughts from your heart. I’ll be praying for you and your family. Blessings to you.

November 1, 2010 6:39 am Reply

Darrell, thank you for sharing your heart with us. You are so sorely missed on the air, but I, like you, know that God has a plan for you and your life!

I’m certain you’re very familiar with Jeremiah 29:11 … perhaps one of the best known scriptures in the Bible. “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’ ”

But directly following that promise from God are others that seem important to share with you: “‘Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,’ declares the LORD, ‘and will bring you back from captivity.’”

No doubt this season of your life has felt like captivity … one from which you can’t escape. But I would encourage you to continue to seek the Lord and count on His promise to you to “bring you back from captivity.”

God bless you and yours, brother. And remember it’s a season. And seasons change.

Love in Christ,
Jan

November 1, 2010 6:41 am Reply

Ankarlo,

Although I don’t know or physically feel all of the pain that you are in and have gone through, I do know that we serve a Great God who can do the unthinkable and blow our minds. We have yet to see if His plan is to completely restore you but while we wait and see He asks you to be still and know that He is God, easier said than done but we have seen throughout the Bible what God has done with those who obey. Whatever the path, we do know that God is in control! I pray (today especially) for peace, comfort and confidence for you and your family, precision and knowledge for your doctors/surgeons, a quick recovery for you as well as protection and restoration to your mind and body. Our paths may never cross, but if I never see you here, I will see you up there! Take care Ankarlo!

~Brian

November 1, 2010 6:45 am Reply

WE will be praying for you. Thank you for sharing what God has been teaching you. He is in control, we can never second guess Him. His ways are better then ours.

Look forward to hearing how He has healed you.

November 1, 2010 7:36 am Reply

Darrell-
your post was very moving. I have been recovering for the past six months from a broken back sustained when a company vehicle rolled near Cordes Junction. So many of your thoughts mimicked ones I have experienced. I am in a much better place now and looking forward to returning to work soon. Please hang in there. Isaiah 40:31 has always been one of my favorite verses as well. My mother sends me Jeremiah 29:11 also. Her favorite in troubling times. God DOES have a plan for your life. Thanks for the inspiration over the years…
-del

November 1, 2010 7:37 am Reply

Just wanted you and your family to know I am praying for you. You don’t know how badly I needed to hear this Word from the Lord (via you) this Monday morning! Thank you for taking time to share your story and for loving God and your family enough to wait on the Lord. Lots of prayers for you today as you undergo surgery. Have someone update us when you can. Lots of love and prayers!

November 1, 2010 7:42 am Reply

Darrell,

I’m a long time listener when you were in Dallas. God speed your recovery and bless your family.

Phil.

November 1, 2010 8:48 am Reply

Powerful words we all need to hear…God is indeed in charge. My prayers are with you. Ankarlo.

November 1, 2010 8:55 am Reply

Darrell, my heart aches as you tell your story. I can only imagine the pain and suffering you have gone through and hope that this surgery will be another pathway to making you whole. Your show, your personality, your passion all made a difference in my life while you were in Dallas. I awakened as they say to what was truly going on in this world. I would tell my husband, you have to listen to this guy Ankarlo, he really knows his stuff. My husband was retired and was rarely awake at 7 AM but I listened on my way to work. I would get angry, sad, laugh and cry all in that hour’s drive. To be truthful I never stayed tuned to KLIF after you and Greg Knapp were gone. Something was missing. When I found out you moved to Phoenix I tried to find a way to listen to your new station but it didn’t work out. You will be added to my prayer list and my hope for a speedy recovery is top of the list. My best to you at this time of your need.

November 1, 2010 9:37 am Reply

Dear Darrell:

Prayers coming your way today – the day you’re having back surgery. I ask our Father to bless the surgeons and care givers who will be taking care of you. Father God, please bless Darrell’s family with the strength and peace they will need as they help Darrell during his recovery. Thank you Lord for bringing this man into my life and into so many other lives. He has been a blessing so many times and has helped so many people, especially the military. Abba Father we ask for total healing and restoration for Darrell and we thank you in the name of your holy Son, Jesus Christ. Amen and Amen

November 1, 2010 1:07 pm Reply

Thank you for sharing with us Darrell. Your writing this has touched me because, as you write here, I feel like I am in that place you spoke of. Sometimes you feel like you are the only one who feels this way, and it is of some comfort to know you are not along. Thank you for these, and all of your words. I wish you the best with your surgery, and hope for your quick recovery and return.

Alex V.

November 1, 2010 1:15 pm Reply

Darrell,
I really loved your show in Dallas at KLIF. Ihave still gone to Ankarlo.net periodically and just read your saga. I just pray God’s richest blessings on you. I hope you get back to the airwaves soon if it’s God’s will. You’re a great guy and a true patriot.

Your friend in Fort Worth,
Martha Brothers

November 1, 2010 1:31 pm Reply

Darrell, Thanks so much for sharing this with you. It amazes me the way that God uses people in our lives and you are no different. It is so hard to “Be still and know” I am ok with the I KNOW (at least on some level) but the Be still.. Is like controling the water in the ocean with a small spoon.. Anyhow, you will be in my and my families heart during this time. I pray that you will be up and around moving a bit freeer each and every day. And I know I could hit u with all the normal words but the fact that Is 41:10 says FEAR NOT is enough. You have trusted your careeer to God from the beginging as I recall hearing once on the radio. SO I have no doubt that no matter what the outcome (even if u never get to do certain things ever again that YOU Darrell will be ok with the knowldge that GOD has seen you through.. God Bless and I will be praying for you.

November 1, 2010 7:54 pm Reply

Darrell, thank you for writing this for all to read, from your first day on the radio I was and still am impressed with how you do things. some of your writing are fun others serious. We all at one time or another have felt as you do but always remember you are never alone, all of us are and will continue to be with you. God is good and he knows how you are and with his love will help you through this surgery. Your are in my thoughts and prayers and bless your wonderful family.

Jan

November 4, 2010 6:17 am Reply

Darrell
Our thoughts and prayers are with you in your time of recovery and healing…I found your radio time on KTAR to be the best, right up there with my old army days of Author Godfrey armed forces radio….you were the beacon of light through dark times..
Have you ever thought that God might want you to tell your story about what you have done at all your radios stations, and then write a book about the car crash, what you have endured, how you have let God hold you in his loving hands, step by step , inch by inch,,,I think your story would be a wonderful one to read by Christian book publishers guidepost..just a thought maybe YOUR STORY is what God wants
published

November 4, 2010 11:03 pm Reply

Darrell,
You are an amazing person. I consider it an honor to have met you in person and to have listened to every single one of your broadcasts on KTAR. I am glad we crossed paths. Thank you and god speed in recovery.

Susan

November 6, 2010 5:04 pm Reply

Darrell,
What a moving account of your emotions and of your faith. I know that God has something AWESOME in store for you. Your testimony will be one that will bring others to Christ. I can’t wait (though I must), to hear about the great things that God is going to do for you. May he bless you mightily!

November 7, 2010 7:05 pm Reply

Hi Darrell -

You and I have never met – but I listened to you while you were here in Dallas (KLIF morning show, right?).

I am sorry to hear about the horrible accident you have been in, but I am quite encouraged to hear that your heart is following the Lord – He is faithful and will lead you through all of this – in His time.

Being that we don’t know each other, take this recommendation with a grain of salt, and if the Lord leads, you might consider a book that really blessed my life – I’m a very slow reader, and even I could finish it in about a day or two… it’s very small. The book is called, “The Prisoner in the Third Cell” by Gene Edwards. It’s a very short fictional account of the story of John the Baptist (who Jesus said was the greatest man ever born to women (Matthew 11:11) that tells a huge truth that really impacted my view of God and how I should react when the Lord does not live up to’my expectations’ (consider, John the baptist went to prison, and was eventually beheaded – and the Lord never intervened to resolve his imprisonment/execution…and the Lord’s comment to John’s disciples was “Blessed is he who is not offended by me”.

It’s easy to be offended at God. (easy – but not right). He doesn’t check with us before changing our plans. He doesn’t ask our permission to overturn our apple cart. And yet, He does not do these things to harm us, He does these things for our good.

That’s it for now. Follow the Lord Daryl – HE IS FAITHFUL.

A friend you’ve never met,

Steve Richardson

November 8, 2010 7:20 pm Reply

Glad to hear that you are mending well. Our small group has been praying for you. Hope to see you at church on Sunday, soon!

November 11, 2010 1:36 pm Reply

Jeremiah 29:11 “for I know the plans I have for you -[says the Lord], plans for good and not for evil….to give you a purpose and a hope.”

Darrell, I am one of many that misses you so very much. I think of you and Laurie often, and I know you are especially “tuned in” to what is going on [globally] now. And, yes…..there will still be a place for your voice, and that voice is still needed. Hang in there, and know you are in my prayers. See you at CCV.
Until then….while you are being quiet: I suggest both the movie and the book “Amish Grace” – because “Faith is not Faith when all is going as we wish life to be. Faith is not Faith until it is tested.”

November 12, 2010 12:18 pm Reply

Dear Darrell,
I am so thankful I have finally found you, your information as how to be able to hear from you again. I thank Bruce St James for that.
Your testimony is amazing and my prayers go with you now and when you face your surgery.
As you say, God is in control and he definitely has a plan for you. I know this and reading your testimony, I just have to wonder if that could be your mission, to be a speaker to many different facets that needs to hear how God is with us always and all we have to do is lean on him.
Blessings, Carole

November 12, 2010 4:28 pm Reply

Another Dallas listener here who misses you so very much. Praying for you Darrel l, that our Father reaches down and touches your body with His healing hand. He is the first and original healer and yet, He may use doctors, nurses, surgery, meds, etc. to accomplish his purpose. Stand strong my friend, ’cause that the Darrell way! Get well brother.

Your sister in Christ

November 15, 2010 11:16 am Reply

Reading this post brought certain tears that I usually do not like to shed, much less share.
I do not know this pain that you feel, and am sorry that you felt this and continue to suffer from a reckless individual that I agree 100% should not have been driving.

What brought me to write to you is the feeling you felt before God spoke to you. I can’t explain how glad I am to hear that this mighty God is still silently speaking to everyone including myself through this post you have written. May God continue to strengthen you and give you the will to fight this.

November 16, 2010 3:55 pm Reply

I really enjoyed your show while you were in Dallas and have missed it so much. It is a blessing to hear that though you are injured your trust is in God.
Your story reminds me of what my co-worker says. We teach Sp. Ed. students who sometimes get odd looks. She has said that anyone can suffer a brain injury and all people should be treated with respect. Perhaps your injury will make more people aware of this fact.
Thanks for your past work. Obviously the Lord has plans for you in the future or you wouldn’t still be here.

January 3, 2011 5:29 pm Reply

Darrell, I will start my message with you as you end your messages on and off the radio. “If we shouldn’t meet here; let’s meet there.” For you and I, it’s always “There” where we meet. It was good to see you on Christmas Eve at Church. I am glad to see that the back surgery went well and you are up and about. Hopefully in a great state of mind. Just wanted to say I have always enjoyed listening, speaking and reading your comments. You are an inspiration to many people you don’t even know. I also know that there are those that you may rub the wrong way (like my mother-in-law) however the majority of us love you. I told her that she would like you more if she got to know you so I will be asking her to pray for you because I do know that she is a prayer warrior. So whatever God is doing in you, He is doing for a reason. Remember Jer. 29:11 “I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you, plans not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future!” Whatever that is for you stay connected to God and to your friends everywhere, you my friend are a great human being! And great human beings are made because someone took the time to believe in them. Adios

January 7, 2011 9:06 pm Reply

Darrell,

I guess news travels slowly to Texas as I am just hearing about your accident. That is an amazing post and a very heartwarming and inspiring story. You and you family are in my prayers.

Jim

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